Regret

My day started with the notification that it was my aunt's birthday. This is the first one since she passed away, so I cried and mourned and then prepared to go about my day... it is Sunday, so to church. I thought that I would be OK. I wasn't. I cried all day; At lunch, during the sermon, even in general conversation. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness or sobbing uncontrollably, but somehow today, every conversation lead back to thoughts of her and missing her. By the time I was preparing to leave church, I was emotionally exhausted and had planned to spend some time reading and studying the Word.

As I was leaving, a group of folks from the church who I didn't really know mass invited everyone to go to dinner. There are 10+ people, and I had only been introduced to one of them, once, like a month ago... so basically all strangers all going to get food in a city where I am "allergic" to like half of it... basically my worst nightmare. So, understandably I pass on the invitation and begin walking towards the coffee shop. 

Less than a minute later, I know confidently, that I had made a mistake. I was overwhelmed by the conviction of the Holy Spirit. For weeks now, I have been praying for a stronger biblical community. Even that morning, I had prayed for it. Not just for myself, but the church as a whole, because it is such a struggle here in Korea. But I was so focused on my own plans, and fulfilling my "needs", that I completely missed an opportunity given to me from the Lord.

So, my study time began with a lengthy time of repentance and prayer for future interactions with all of the people I avoided this afternoon. And I share this, in hopes that anyone reading does not make the same mistake of ignoring the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I was looking for the Lord to answer my prayer in a specific way, assuming that I would be at my best, and not my worst when the opportunity came. Spending time studying God's word is one of the most important things I get to do in my day,  but at that moment I made it an excuse.

Catching Up

“If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?”  -Søren Kierkegaard 

I was finally able to join a small group at Jubilee. Every small group is going through the same book, Celebration of Discipline, which is focusing on learning more about spiritual disciplines. Last week, one of the other ladies in our group mentioned she was disappointed to not be doing a bible study together,  which finished with us planning to add a study of Ecclesiastes. One chapter every week, with 4 different ladies leading a text beaded discussion of what we were learning. I created a brief  introduction to the book (ESV Study Bible condensed down a bit), but forgot to include general study ideas suggestions. I decided for myself I would follow the "Inductive Bible Study Method" that AG is using as they study Daniel, and I would apply it to Ecclesiastes. As I was going through chapter 1, I remembered "Fear and Trembling" by Kierkegaard, and noticed a similar thought process among Kierkegaard and "the Preacher".  I feel like ultimately both ending similar conclusions, the striving of man hold no inherent value or worth.... both man's worth as well as the value of his actions are found in God alone.

Pray for our small group as we go through Ecclesiastes, it can be a time of great growth for the group as a whole as they learn to study in one of the more difficult books of Scripture to study, or it could overwhelm them and cause a fear of study.

I wanted to share a few pics here also.  Many of these end up on my instagram, but not everyone uses that SMS.

All of these pics are from when I visited the Changgyeonggung and Changdeokgung palaces over Chuseok (which was extra long this year). The palace grounds are adjoining, so it was difficult to keep track of which images came from which palace.

It is really difficult to update regularly and for that I am sorry. Last Sunday I attempted to write a post, but really felt like I had nothing to say, and in the end it remained an unpublished draft.
And in fact, I have another post saved that I am not sure if I will or can post... because it is something that needs to be addressed in prayer and action first before sharing it publicly.

That is a lot of vagueness to simply communicate that I am thinking of everyone who reads this, even if my posts are few and far between. When I started this, it was supposed to be lighthearted but every week, I feel more and more dramatic. I think that is a risk and reality of moving halfway around the world as a missionary; Everyday I see more and more need for Christ in this city and Nation.

Loving Orphans

Before moving to Seoul, a lot of conversations looked like this;
Others: "Do you want to teach?"
Me: "No, but it is where the Lord is leading me right now."
O: "What do you want to do?"
M: "I would love to teach English to orphans."

I knew long before moving to Korea that being an orphan came with a stigma and hardships that are not as intense in the US. My heart was moved, even then, to move towards loving the orphans here in Korea. When the Lord brought me to Korea, I trusted that he brought me where I was for a reason, but I honestly could not see any big picture as I continues to trust him, and began piecing my life here together. Finally, I am beginning to get a clearer vision as to what the future may possibly hold. This weekend I was introduced to the Jerusalem Ministry, and their program the Oak Tree Project. Jerusalem Ministry is an organization here in Seoul, that is focused on loving and serving the orphans of Korea, starting here in Seoul, then the rest of South Korea, then eventually the many orphans in North Korea... and hopefully to the ends of the earth after that. Oak Tree Project is an answer to an immediate need of orphans here in Seoul. Children raised in orphanages at 18 are basically abandoned by the state to be adults. They are given a small stipend to get set up with an apartment and job, but all other emotional and financial support is basically removed from their lives. Many struggle to make ends meet, fall into deep depression, and fall prey to the false promises of gang life or prostitution. You see, those are the "jobs" that don't fire someone for being an orphan. Family means quite a bit here on the Korean peninsula, and so where someone finds out you do not have one, you become easy target for those who strive to exert their power over others. I have already heard stories of women preyed upon by a boss with inappropriate sexual advances once he learned she was an orphan and another who was told to break up with her "pastor's son" boyfriend, because she, as an orphan, did not match him in social status. THIS WAS THE GIRL'S PASTOR! These were the stories fit to be shared in a public way. There are many more darker and painful moments that hurt to much to share with others. That is the reality for these kids. Now imagine this life, but you also have also been accepted into University. You now have to work full time to survive and hopefully have enough for tuition while combating all of the other hurdles surrounding you. This is where Oak Tree Project strives to begin change. Oak Tree Project is a scholarship program that provides tuition (and living expenses I believe) so students can be students and focus on learning. Most importantly, they provide each student a dedicated mentor who loves Jesus, who has committed to call these students at least once a week to check up on them, and to invite them over for a home cooked meal once a month.

Every day, I get to see the struggle of friends who are foster parents or who have adopted their children, and daily fight to overcome the scars and pain their children have fro,m having been an orphan. Just thinking about 18 year olds, who have never really known or been shown that love, finding themselves in this new mentor/student relationship is  overwhelming. They must be so scared. If you are reading this, then pray for these students and their mentors. Pray for more mentors to step up. Pray for more financial support. I am sure there are applicant's who are able to qualify for the scholarship due to a lack of resources... Wouldn't it be amazing if that was not the case... that the support for these students always exceeded the need. Currently, I am praying about how the Lord is calling me to act. As mentors need to be fluent in Korean, I am not fit to serve as a mentor... does this mean spending the next few years supporting from afar with prayer and learning the language better? Does this mean serving in some other way? I don't know yet. But join me in prayer in the very least.