Regret

My day started with the notification that it was my aunt's birthday. This is the first one since she passed away, so I cried and mourned and then prepared to go about my day... it is Sunday, so to church. I thought that I would be OK. I wasn't. I cried all day; At lunch, during the sermon, even in general conversation. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness or sobbing uncontrollably, but somehow today, every conversation lead back to thoughts of her and missing her. By the time I was preparing to leave church, I was emotionally exhausted and had planned to spend some time reading and studying the Word.

As I was leaving, a group of folks from the church who I didn't really know mass invited everyone to go to dinner. There are 10+ people, and I had only been introduced to one of them, once, like a month ago... so basically all strangers all going to get food in a city where I am "allergic" to like half of it... basically my worst nightmare. So, understandably I pass on the invitation and begin walking towards the coffee shop. 

Less than a minute later, I know confidently, that I had made a mistake. I was overwhelmed by the conviction of the Holy Spirit. For weeks now, I have been praying for a stronger biblical community. Even that morning, I had prayed for it. Not just for myself, but the church as a whole, because it is such a struggle here in Korea. But I was so focused on my own plans, and fulfilling my "needs", that I completely missed an opportunity given to me from the Lord.

So, my study time began with a lengthy time of repentance and prayer for future interactions with all of the people I avoided this afternoon. And I share this, in hopes that anyone reading does not make the same mistake of ignoring the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I was looking for the Lord to answer my prayer in a specific way, assuming that I would be at my best, and not my worst when the opportunity came. Spending time studying God's word is one of the most important things I get to do in my day,  but at that moment I made it an excuse.